A text message comes in at 1.48am this morning and woke me. It was from a friend asking me “Are you and D still going out?” Instantly I knew what was happening. He was at some college function where she was too. I texted D and her with “What the fuck has just happened?” She replies back she’s seen him kissing another guy, a friend of ours.
My heart is already broken and racing by this time. Eventually after what seems like hours(it was minutes), he rings me and we converse. He is sorry but goes on to say he should have ended things in January but did not have the backbone. I’m quite vexed but calm enough. I calm a bit more after the phone conversation and text him to say I accept his apology. He’s an asshole, yeah, but I can’t but forgive him. I care too much or some bollox like that.
Myself and D have been on and off for years at this stage. I was begining to think this time was for real this time and he’d be the person I’d be spending the rest of my life with. One of the main motivators for doing the law degree in UCC is to become better versed in Irish law so I can work on campaigning for better rights for people including gay couples. I still have the dream to settle down and raise a family though a gay couple raising kids, I’m still not fully decided on.
No matter how a breakup happens and where the guilt/fault lies you always feel that it is your fault too. If you were a better boyfriend then there’d be no cheating. You failed. There is something wrong with you if someone doesn’t want to stay with you and goes off and cheats.
Needless to say I’m a little sad today and the lack of sleep since around 2am this morning doesn’t help. I’m also not in the mood for eating. Years back a situation like this happened with another guy I was seeing and for a full week after, everytime I did get to sleep my brain just went over the situation again and again and again. I think that’s what hell would be like for me. An endless tiring loop of the sadder part of your lives.
I was meant to be going on a stag weekend in Galway this weekend but am going to cancel that now since me getting drunk now is a bad idea. When in a black mood and drunk I become a not so nice person. The timing of this is fucking annoying, I’ve been under enough stress with getting the blog Awards going and now have this to deal with. Oh yeah and my home pc is knackered too. “Comes in three” someone is bound to say. Shut up. 🙂
Maybe something good that came from this was the first person I texted was a friend I fell out with a good while back. Despite all the reent acrimony it was him I turned to and it was him that was supportive and at 2am. Thanks B.
Now, if you managed to read this woeful shite to this point, you may wonder why I wrote a personal blog post. It is, afterall, not my style. I try and keep my personal life off my blog and reserve the blog for such intelligent things as fluffy links and digs at regulators. Well, as I’ve said to many a person in recent times, I think blogging your thoughts allows you to frame them and understand yourself better, so I guess I’m now being an example. The other thing is that some of the blog posts at the Blog Awards this year, as well as last year are/were quite raw writings dealing with personal issues and situations. Deep insights into people without them putting a shield in place. I’d almost feel hypocritical at this stage to praise all these bloggers and then not make this public. So there you go, my soul or part of it on a plate. My finger has been hovering over the publish button for half the morning. One more of many deep breaths. Here we go…