How to use Google to get a girl and get laid

This article is about using the many Google sites and applications to get yourself a girl and get yourself laid. In it we’re going to use a guy called Johnny McCool. Johnny is a 22 year old Internet nerd. He works as a programmer with some megacorp, went straight from the computer labs in college to the cubicle farm. He needs to get out more and he needs a girlfriend.

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1. Google Search

Getting Laid with Google

a) Getting yourself found.
b) Profiling the person

Getting yourself found.

The Google search engine is a very powerful way of getting yourself found. A good way to get yourself found is to create your own website with lots of details about yourself on it. Or rather lots of untrue crap that you hope some girl will find appealing. Since Johnny McCool is using his real name then it makes sense for him to register To get yourself found you will need to structure your site in such a way as to make it “search engine friendly”. This means a few things such as figuring out what words you want people to use when they search for you and then seeding your webpages with those search terms. Further to this, the more you update the site, the more Google will visit and the higher up in search results you’ll be. Google rewards you for fresh content. Therefore set up a blog on your site.

Now, it would also be good to create content that women like and use this as the honeypot to get them to your site. Have lots of links on every page to your profile on networks such as Orkut (more below), have lots of good pictures of yourself (see the piece on Picasa below) and have contact details for you readily available. Think of articles such as “Why as a man I think it is ok to cry” and “I can be tough but emotional at the same time”. Don’t forget to sprinkle with trigger phrases such as “modern man” “strong but sensitive”. Don’t go too far though, or your male friends might beat you up .. in Second Life.

Profiling the person

Profiling is researching someone so you are better informed on how to woo them. Woo, not stalk. It’s a thin line folks but a line nonetheless. Google will allow you to search forums, sites and blogs for people looking for their ideal man. It is best to search for phrases with the names of local places so that you don’t have to travel 100s of miles to meet women.

As well as finding specific women, you can also use Google to find out what women want. A few simple google phrases will deliver you lists of things they want in a perfect mate. There are 1000s of websites out there devoted to women saying what they look for in a man. Go Google them.

2. Google AdWords

Google AdWords allow you to advertise on search results pages and on the 100s of 1000s of websites that run Google Ads. You only pay when someone clicks on your ad. This means that if someone is searching for something you can choose to have an ad appear for that search phrase. Johnny McCool can have an ad for his website
when someone searches for the phrase: Does mr. right exist? and when the results page appears, the ad will be on the right hand side:
Johnny McCool

3. Google Mail and Google Talk

Google Mail
Finding someones gmail is easy enough nowadays and with Google making us all be adult and use firstname.lastname style combinations it should be easy to guess the email addreses of people you’d like to date. GMail and GTalk conversations are stored in your GMail account too so it is very easy to search over past conversations to “remember” what her interests are.

But the important thing about GMail is that it is a conduit to open a chat window with the person thanks to the full integration with Google Talk. You got her GMail then you can chat with her. Always have another browser window open with search results for her name and another window with search results for “non-schmaltzy chat-up lines”. Get charming.

Google Talk

4. Google Video

She found me because I was viral.

Google Video

Years back Ze Frank created a video on how to dance properly. It soon got passed all around the Internet and made him famous for a while. You too could do the same. Stick your gmail address and website address into the video so you can be found and contacted.

Or you could do what famous Sligo Tourism Representative Aine Chambers did and talk about something like tourism while highlighting all your own best features. Here’s Aine: Aine Chambers

You just need to be creative. But you wouldn’t be reading this if you were, right? Thought so. So instead, create a video of you saving whales or helping old ladies across the road. Again stick your email address and website url into the video. Maybe include a few videos of you shedding some tears. Women love to see emotional men. But they also like jerks. So also have a video showing you can be a total asshole.

5. Google Alerts

Google Alerts
You’re going to piss women off. It happens when you are unskilled in the woman-dating game. It’s ok. However, it would be good to know who is pissed off and writing about you online. Thanks to Google Alerts you can get email alerts when anything new is found by Google with the search criteria you set. But don’t stop at your name. Also have searches for potential dates by including names of Girls you’ve found on Google. As well as that include the names of the bars and clubs in your city, town, village, truck stop so that if someone mentions they were out clubbing at “The Dancing Donkey” last night, you’ll know about it. Alerts help you to find local people. It might be good too to just have a Google Alert to notidy you if the local stalking laws in your area get updated. Just saying, is all.

6. Google Maps

Google Maps

Well Johnny is a nerd and a man. There’s no need to go the extra mile and email her the Google map. She’ll make it there by asking for directions if she gets lost. Yes, that’s what women do. Really. Google it if you don’t believe it. Arranging dates and finding locations using Google Maps is a good idea. Knowing where she lives or roughly and then using Google Maps to pick a nearby restaurant and bar is a better idea. That way you can walk her home and maybe just maybe she’ll invite you in for a coffee.

Also make sure the places you go and her place are not near your place. While you are happy to go to he place, you do not want her to be horrified if she visits your lair. All the cartoon posters and pizza boxes might put her off. Women also don’t like Thundercats bed sheets. Additionally, if it all goes pear shaped and she takes out that court order saying you are not to be within 400 feet of her, it would cut down on the embarassing moments when you bump into her in the local grocery store.

7. Google’s Orkut.

Another social networking site. Orkut is ancient Brazilian for “place to find people who will have sex with you”. This is why Orkut is full of Brazilians.

Google's Orkut

Like all other social-networking aka cruising sites, you can take other parts of the Google dating plan and integrate them into this. Use your google email, google talk, use the “improved” photos from Picasa and link to your soft and bastard videos.

8. Google Calendar

Google Calendar

You need a central place to remember the birthdays and times you are meeting the girls. Yes, girls. Plural. There’ll be more than one. Google is so powerful it turns you into a player. In fact, it’s even more powerful than that and you can go from a player to a playa. No, we don’t know the difference either. Thanks to the Google Calendar you can keep track of all of the dates and all of the times. Thanks Google!

9. Google Mobile

So you’re on the date and she is the well educated type. She uses big words like symbolic, quasi-judicial and laudable. Under the table just text Google Mobile and ask what she is on about.

Google Mobile

Unfortunately the profiling with Google search won’t reveal everything about your date so Google Mobile will allow you to find out the name of that pansy poet she mentioned that she likes and you can quote from his poems and make it look like you’re quoting it from memory. She may also talk about current affairs and so not knowing anything outside of World of Warcraft and Dungeons and Dragons, you can google for that, right there from your phone.

10. Google Picasa

Google Picasa can be used for creating pictures of Johnny McCool which are very complimentary. Picasa is a quality picture/photo editing tool that Google provides for free.

Google Picasa

It allows Johnny to take his existing photo of himself:
Johnny McCool

And improve it with no glasses, bluer eyes, blonder hair and bigger muscles:
Johnny McCool

11. Google Base

Google Base

Google base is like the spare room in your house. Any and all kinds of shit are stored in there. Google sticks a search engine onto the front of it and will hire more PhDers to figure out what the fuck to do with the mess that is Google Base. It’s really like a Flea Market except you can also sell your soul to get some hole. Yes, Google Base allows personals. If you don’t like seeing naked pics of people then don’t click that … pointless finishing the sentence since you’ve left already with the naked promise. Just like Orkut, Google Base can be used to store your personal profile but it can also be used to store other content you create like podcasts and videos and pictures.

That’s all for now

These are just a few of the ways that you can get laid with the help of Google. There are many more and as time allows we’ll add more to them. Feedback appreciated.

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131 Responses to “How to use Google to get a girl and get laid”

  1. Though, you should customize that standard wordpress skin (no, I’m NOT a nerd 🙂 a bit 😉

  2. frank says:

    All very well Damien, but how do I get listed on the Google seach engine.
    I have been trying to get my business web site listed for the last six months, I could not wait that long to get laid.

  3. […] And the top result lead me to a blog by Damien Mulley, where he discussed about how to use Google to get a girl and get laid. And I have to agree with him when he shared about these various tools and the right ways to use it in order to get a girl and get laid. Pretty interesting. But I think he should update that post and include Google’s latest tools like Blogsearch and SearchMash into his lists of tools. […]

  4. Vineet says:

    Hey Damien, whatever u have mentioned above kind of profound……

    I am eager to hear what other tricks u have up ur sleeve…

    Mail it to me buddy…

  5. […] August spike is the Getting Laid with Google post. September is the Twink Goes Apeshit post. […]

  6. […] Update 2: In response to a question, the use of Paris Hilton in this blog post has nothing to do with Damiens infamous ‘how to use google to get a girl and get laid‘ blogpost. Nothing at all. It has nothing to do with Britney Spears either. […]

  7. Gavin says:

    Brilliant stuff Damian and I love the ping backs you are “still” getting.

    P.S. bless our wee Aine Chambers, she’s a lovely lass.

  8. […] Du hittar guiden här  […]

  9. Bagspiker says:

    Yo! Damian…U R 1funy Shit Man….Best laff I had today…after cryin because I can’t keep a gurl interested for more three minutes. I try to tell em sarcasm is overrated…the bitches don’t listen….I’m off to the nakid pic’s…unzippppp.

  10. Texan IT says:

    Great stuff Damian. The way that technology enhances our lives is amazing. Five years ago … who would have imagined the wonderful stuff you could do with computers and technology. I am going to try this at home. You are funny.

  11. Funny article. Good Writing Damian.

  12. Jyoti Ranjan says:

    Great stuff man !!!!!

  13. Salubri says:

    Deadly! Just absolutely deadly – I haven’t laughed this hard in weeks!
    Thanks a million Damien. Next product review please!

  14. […] This page is hilarious: How to use Google to get a girl and get laid […]

  15. GeoffBrady says:

    […] I just read an article written last year by Damien Mulley called "How To Use Google To Get A Girl And Get Laid". It’s quite tongue-in-cheek but nonetheless funny. It is incredible the extent to which Google can be a part of a person’s life, and to that end how much it can control a person’s life. […]

  16. Stevie B says:

    Found your blog while trawling through just about everyone else’s! Think I got the final link from Donncha’s Holy Shmoly. Good article! 🙂

    (P.S. Sorry for calling you a bastard on my site 😉 )

  17. […] Maybe so, but do  have a look at this (utterly hilarious btw) blog post which is still garnering comments (and, by inference, traffic) almost a full year after it was initially published: “How to use Google to get a girl and get laidâ€? And chance are, it will continue to do so even after Google finally manages to get out of beta with about 90% of the stuff he’s writing about. […]

  18. Re Googles Orkut: lets hope google leaves some space for other datingsites if they are going to start their own.

  19. […] How to use Google to get a date Related Posts: Links Coming and GoingDoFollow AddedBest and Worst Predictions for 2006Linking the BlogosphereClick Here for Some Sex […]

  20. subzero27 says:


  21. Darren says:

    Just seeing this now (thanks to Green Ink for directing me to it). Absolute genius!

  22. […] offers a lot of blogging knowledge, tips and web marketing ideas including how to get a girlfriend using google! His tongue in cheek and sometimes rude approach is nicely refreshing in an otherwise […]

  23. Buzz says:

    Just absolutely deadly – I haven’t laughed this hard in weeks!
    Thanks a million Damien. Next product review please!

  24. Q says:

    Ha, I laughed so hard, reading this. Thanks for the fun!

    It’s interesting to note that, as one person commented, one does have to get one’s site listed in the first place and this is something many people pay a fortune to achieve. I firmly suggest checking out link building blogs, one of which has shown me how to help get my site listed by google. Google looks for something called back-links, in order to rate a site and, put suimply, the more and better backlinks your site has, the higher up the search results your site will be.

    The easiest way to start to do this is by leaving links in the comments you make on other people’s blogs. So, for instance, to get people to go to my company’s website I might leave a link like…. heating oil Harrogate, but you would use a link to your own page/blog/site and use relevant ‘anchor text’, the text behind the link. My anchor text being ‘heating oil harrogate’. This is exactly what Damian has done with his link. The clearest set of instructions I’ve found is on this site Mike Fitz’s Blog and I can firmly recommend it, afterall it has worked here, as you can see.

    Good luck building those sites and getting them listed guys.


  25. Nofollow is standard in comments for over 5 years now. Comments will do nothing for link building.

  26. […] Talking about technology and the internet we had to chat a bit about Google’s new privacy policy and how they’re making it easier for people to move between services. Conn loves the new coherence, while we both remember how much Google dominates online. Want to get laid with Google? Damien blogged about that nearly 6 years ago! […]

  27. Mick says:

    I see Johnny has since created his website –
    Now 59 years old and divorced.

    What d’ya reckon Damien, do you need to talk to him? 🙂

  28. […] might escape the FTC but EU’s gunning for them now.  (Flashback to Google ubiquity in 2006).  EU is also concerned about how companies are using […]