How to use Google to get a girl and get laid

This article is about using the many Google sites and applications to get yourself a girl and get yourself laid. In it we’re going to use a guy called Johnny McCool. Johnny is a 22 year old Internet nerd. He works as a programmer with some megacorp, went straight from the computer labs in college to the cubicle farm. He needs to get out more and he needs a girlfriend.

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1. Google Search

Getting Laid with Google

a) Getting yourself found.
b) Profiling the person

Getting yourself found.

The Google search engine is a very powerful way of getting yourself found. A good way to get yourself found is to create your own website with lots of details about yourself on it. Or rather lots of untrue crap that you hope some girl will find appealing. Since Johnny McCool is using his real name then it makes sense for him to register To get yourself found you will need to structure your site in such a way as to make it “search engine friendly”. This means a few things such as figuring out what words you want people to use when they search for you and then seeding your webpages with those search terms. Further to this, the more you update the site, the more Google will visit and the higher up in search results you’ll be. Google rewards you for fresh content. Therefore set up a blog on your site.

Now, it would also be good to create content that women like and use this as the honeypot to get them to your site. Have lots of links on every page to your profile on networks such as Orkut (more below), have lots of good pictures of yourself (see the piece on Picasa below) and have contact details for you readily available. Think of articles such as “Why as a man I think it is ok to cry” and “I can be tough but emotional at the same time”. Don’t forget to sprinkle with trigger phrases such as “modern man” “strong but sensitive”. Don’t go too far though, or your male friends might beat you up .. in Second Life.

Profiling the person

Profiling is researching someone so you are better informed on how to woo them. Woo, not stalk. It’s a thin line folks but a line nonetheless. Google will allow you to search forums, sites and blogs for people looking for their ideal man. It is best to search for phrases with the names of local places so that you don’t have to travel 100s of miles to meet women.

As well as finding specific women, you can also use Google to find out what women want. A few simple google phrases will deliver you lists of things they want in a perfect mate. There are 1000s of websites out there devoted to women saying what they look for in a man. Go Google them.

2. Google AdWords

Google AdWords allow you to advertise on search results pages and on the 100s of 1000s of websites that run Google Ads. You only pay when someone clicks on your ad. This means that if someone is searching for something you can choose to have an ad appear for that search phrase. Johnny McCool can have an ad for his website
when someone searches for the phrase: Does mr. right exist? and when the results page appears, the ad will be on the right hand side:
Johnny McCool

3. Google Mail and Google Talk

Google Mail
Finding someones gmail is easy enough nowadays and with Google making us all be adult and use firstname.lastname style combinations it should be easy to guess the email addreses of people you’d like to date. GMail and GTalk conversations are stored in your GMail account too so it is very easy to search over past conversations to “remember” what her interests are.

But the important thing about GMail is that it is a conduit to open a chat window with the person thanks to the full integration with Google Talk. You got her GMail then you can chat with her. Always have another browser window open with search results for her name and another window with search results for “non-schmaltzy chat-up lines”. Get charming.

Google Talk

4. Google Video

She found me because I was viral.

Google Video

Years back Ze Frank created a video on how to dance properly. It soon got passed all around the Internet and made him famous for a while. You too could do the same. Stick your gmail address and website address into the video so you can be found and contacted.

Or you could do what famous Sligo Tourism Representative Aine Chambers did and talk about something like tourism while highlighting all your own best features. Here’s Aine: Aine Chambers

You just need to be creative. But you wouldn’t be reading this if you were, right? Thought so. So instead, create a video of you saving whales or helping old ladies across the road. Again stick your email address and website url into the video. Maybe include a few videos of you shedding some tears. Women love to see emotional men. But they also like jerks. So also have a video showing you can be a total asshole.

5. Google Alerts

Google Alerts
You’re going to piss women off. It happens when you are unskilled in the woman-dating game. It’s ok. However, it would be good to know who is pissed off and writing about you online. Thanks to Google Alerts you can get email alerts when anything new is found by Google with the search criteria you set. But don’t stop at your name. Also have searches for potential dates by including names of Girls you’ve found on Google. As well as that include the names of the bars and clubs in your city, town, village, truck stop so that if someone mentions they were out clubbing at “The Dancing Donkey” last night, you’ll know about it. Alerts help you to find local people. It might be good too to just have a Google Alert to notidy you if the local stalking laws in your area get updated. Just saying, is all.

6. Google Maps

Google Maps

Well Johnny is a nerd and a man. There’s no need to go the extra mile and email her the Google map. She’ll make it there by asking for directions if she gets lost. Yes, that’s what women do. Really. Google it if you don’t believe it. Arranging dates and finding locations using Google Maps is a good idea. Knowing where she lives or roughly and then using Google Maps to pick a nearby restaurant and bar is a better idea. That way you can walk her home and maybe just maybe she’ll invite you in for a coffee.

Also make sure the places you go and her place are not near your place. While you are happy to go to he place, you do not want her to be horrified if she visits your lair. All the cartoon posters and pizza boxes might put her off. Women also don’t like Thundercats bed sheets. Additionally, if it all goes pear shaped and she takes out that court order saying you are not to be within 400 feet of her, it would cut down on the embarassing moments when you bump into her in the local grocery store.

7. Google’s Orkut.

Another social networking site. Orkut is ancient Brazilian for “place to find people who will have sex with you”. This is why Orkut is full of Brazilians.

Google's Orkut

Like all other social-networking aka cruising sites, you can take other parts of the Google dating plan and integrate them into this. Use your google email, google talk, use the “improved” photos from Picasa and link to your soft and bastard videos.

8. Google Calendar

Google Calendar

You need a central place to remember the birthdays and times you are meeting the girls. Yes, girls. Plural. There’ll be more than one. Google is so powerful it turns you into a player. In fact, it’s even more powerful than that and you can go from a player to a playa. No, we don’t know the difference either. Thanks to the Google Calendar you can keep track of all of the dates and all of the times. Thanks Google!

9. Google Mobile

So you’re on the date and she is the well educated type. She uses big words like symbolic, quasi-judicial and laudable. Under the table just text Google Mobile and ask what she is on about.

Google Mobile

Unfortunately the profiling with Google search won’t reveal everything about your date so Google Mobile will allow you to find out the name of that pansy poet she mentioned that she likes and you can quote from his poems and make it look like you’re quoting it from memory. She may also talk about current affairs and so not knowing anything outside of World of Warcraft and Dungeons and Dragons, you can google for that, right there from your phone.

10. Google Picasa

Google Picasa can be used for creating pictures of Johnny McCool which are very complimentary. Picasa is a quality picture/photo editing tool that Google provides for free.

Google Picasa

It allows Johnny to take his existing photo of himself:
Johnny McCool

And improve it with no glasses, bluer eyes, blonder hair and bigger muscles:
Johnny McCool

11. Google Base

Google Base

Google base is like the spare room in your house. Any and all kinds of shit are stored in there. Google sticks a search engine onto the front of it and will hire more PhDers to figure out what the fuck to do with the mess that is Google Base. It’s really like a Flea Market except you can also sell your soul to get some hole. Yes, Google Base allows personals. If you don’t like seeing naked pics of people then don’t click that … pointless finishing the sentence since you’ve left already with the naked promise. Just like Orkut, Google Base can be used to store your personal profile but it can also be used to store other content you create like podcasts and videos and pictures.

That’s all for now

These are just a few of the ways that you can get laid with the help of Google. There are many more and as time allows we’ll add more to them. Feedback appreciated.

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131 Responses to “How to use Google to get a girl and get laid”

  1. guess what? I´m brazilian. says:

    c’mon, what was that comment about orkut and brazilians? duh, u’re wrong. and by the way, need more sex.

  2. How to use Google to get a girl and get laid

    Encontré esto con google cuando … cuando … estaba buscando la demostración del último Teorema de Fermat …

  3. Scott says:

    You forgot the part about putting the phone number into google gives an address, which you can then put into google maps.

  4. Byte Me says:

    Didn’t work. Gave up. Took too long. Hired hooker. All better now.

  5. Marcelo says:

    You have been linked in the influential
    And from there who knows?

  6. […] Ja, Googles olika tjänster kan ju verkligen vara praktiska i mÃ¥nga sammanhang, sÃ¥ varför inte i detta. En utmärkt steg-för-steg-guide till hur “datanörden Johnny” kan använda Google för att hitta en flickvän, och slutligen “fÃ¥ sig ett ligg” (Den engelska termen känns aningen mer tilltalande…). […]

  7. Orkut fan says:

    hahah, keep using this crap of myspace…

  8. salak says:


  9. […] Damien Mulley presents How to use Google to get a girl and get laid… This article is about using the many Google sites and applications to get yourself a girl and get yourself laid. In it we’re going to use a guy called Johnny McCool. Johnny is a 22 year old Internet nerd. He works as a programmer with some megacorp, went straight from the computer labs in college to the cubicle farm. He needs to get out more and he needs a girlfriend. […]

  10. […] Well done to Damien who’s stat counter has been working over time as a result of his rather enjoyable “How to use Google to get a girl and get laid” post. First it was 18,000 hits in a day, now it’s nearly 30,000; I bet those Blacknight servers are praying BoingBoing doesn’t get a whiff of this and cause complete mayhem! […]

  11. […] How to use Google to get a girl and get laid 自己去看å?§ (tags: cool fun google howto) […]

  12. Worm says:

    Is there anything Google can’t do?

  13. Raquel (BRAZILIAN) says:

    To Mr. Damien Mulley:
    “Orkut is ancient Brazilian for “place to find people who will have sex with you�. This is why Orkut is full of Brazilians.�
    That gives me a lot to think. I’m a Brazilian young woman, I’ve been using Orkut for more than two years and guess what? None of my friends or anyone else has ever tryed to hump me just because my face was seen at orkut. Is me the problem? I don’t think so. None of my friends has ever witnessed a behaviour like that. I’m aware that we, brazilians, are the dominant people at orkut. Maybe it’s because we were the ones that have truly seen the wonder this engine is. Orkut allows us to get in touch with our lots, tons of friends(yes, we are a very friendly people that’s why we have lots and lots of friends) some times you may even find friends that you thought you would never see again, like those from kindergarten or those that moved to “Only God knows where”. It’s so useful! Even my parents and relatives have an orkut account! So I’d rather think of orkut as an online family environment. I’m sure there are people there primarly for sex, but that’s their problem. The majority is not! You should think a little before saying anything about a people that you obviously don’t know!With such little mind, I can see why you don’t get laid… All I can say is I’m really offended!! I apologise for any of my english mistakes, but I just couldn’t read that and say nothing.

  14. Henry Abol says:

    Very usefull thanks.

  15. kasjhi says:

    yes this is funny but dont mind to miss more humrous thing its sectret budy at 🙂

  16. The Sarge says:

    Dear Raquel,

    From reading your input I think that you 1st of all should see the article “How to use Google to get a girl and get laid” from a entertainment perspective but I also see how frustration can cloud a readers mind as statements like “Orkut is ancient Brazilian for “place to find people who will have sex with youâ€?. This is why Orkut is full of Brazilians.â€? might lead a reader to belive that Orkut automatically will get you laid and a 2 year wait without any luck can be fearfully damaging to the human psyche.

    I fully understand that Orkut is predominantly used as a way of keeping in touch with your many many many many wonderful and fantastic friends but this does not prevent Orkut from being used as a common meeting ground for people that is exploring their sexuality and why not if Orkut can be used to serve both these equally important and facinating purposes and more?

    If a reader is really gagging for it, may I suggest a subtle change in their Orkut profile to maybe have it display something quite different from their face? This change will without a shadow of a doubt give the Orkut user more hits on their profile & increase their chances of “getting lucky”?

    Best wishes & good luck on Orkut
    “The Sarge”

  17. […] Adds RSS To Google Base Results » Bookmark on Though I’m not sure Google will use this one for external PR, it’s pretty funny, andincludes a tour of many Google features (Calendar, Base, Maps, Alerts etc) in the pursuit of one goal: […]

  18. Brian says:

    This is pretty funny! But the only thats not true is that you can morph pictures with Google Picasa.

  19. Anonymous says:

    How to explode your blog traffic

    Supposedly using google, girls and laid in the title of your blog will prompt a surge in your blog’s popularity. So Damien Mulley decided to see for himself. The results are quite impressive:

  20. BloggingTom says:

    Neue Freundin gesucht? Google hilft

    Wie kann man die verschiedenen Google-Dienste am besten kombinieren? Damien Mulley zeigt das am Beispiel von Johnny, der auf der Suche nach einer Freundin ist:
    Johnny is a 22 year old Internet nerd. He works as a programmer with some megacorp, went s…

  21. timw says:

    will be putting this into practice tonight, thanks

  22. […] Think we’re the last site on the internet to link to How to use Google to get laid, an expansive description of how to use Google’s various tools and services to enhance your chances of getting lucky by Irish blogger Damien Mulley. Have sex soon click.     Send this post to a friend […]

  23. […] Achei o link lá no blog do Donizette, é o site de um sujeito chamado Damien Mulley que escreveu um artigo engraçadíssimo intitulado “Como usar o Google para conseguir uma garota e ir pra cama com ela“. No blog do Damien eu achei um link para uma página de um sujeito chamado Easy Star que traz uma versão do “Ok Computer” do Radiohead… em reggae. Sensacional, vale a pena escutar as faixas disponíveis por lá. […]

  24. Omi says:

    wow that’s so much effort, no wonder there are so many virgins

  25. […] הסיפור ×”×—×? ב-Blogosphere השבוע הו×? לל×? ספק המשכו של הסיפור שכתבתי עליו ×›×?ן בשבוע שעבר על Netscape ו- Digg. תקציר ×”×?ירועי×?: ”×”×?תר הותיק שעבר כבר ×?ין ספור תהפוכות, Netscape, הושק מחדש לפני זמן ל×? רב ×›×?חיו הת×?ו×? של Digg (מה ×–×”?). על מנת למשוך ×?ליו ×?ת המדרגי×? הכבדי×?, הציע Jason Calacanis, ×”×?יש העומד בר×?ש הפרוייקט, 1000$ לכל מדרג שיערוק מ-Digg לשירות שלו. ההצעה זכתה לביקורות קשות ועוקצות מהבלוגרי×? המובילי×? כמו Michael Arrington מ-Techcrunch ×?שר ל×? חסך במילי×?. Jason ל×? נש×?ר חייב וענה לכול×? ובמיוחד למייקל” הפוסט הב×? מנסה לנתח ×?ת המחלוקת בין Netscape ו-Digg ×¢×? שימת דגש על הש×?לה ×”×?×? הענקת פיצוי (תשלו×? עבור העבודה) למדרגי×? המובילי×? הו×? טוב ×?ו רע >> לנבחר המשתמש tysonhy הו×? ×?חד מ×?ות×? מדרגי×? שקיבל פניות מ-Jason ו×?נשי צוותו. בפוסט הב×? הו×? מפרט ×?ת הסיבות מדוע הו×? ל×? מוכן לקבל תשלו×? עבור עבודתו: ”I don‘t need to be paid to do what I do now. I will commit my time to digg whenever possible because that’s how much I enjoy digg; it’s not about the money, it’s what you enjoy and this is what I like.” כמו כן הו×? מפרס×? ×?ת ×”-×?ימיילי×? ×?ות×? קיבל >> לנבחר ×?ירוע השי×? נרש×? ב-26 לחודש ×›×?שר ×?תר Netscape נפרץ, כנר×?×” ×¢”×™ משתמשי Digg >> לנבחר הנוש×? ×”×—×? השני של השבוע הו×? ×”×?תר YouTube שהוזכר השבוע הרבה מעל הממוצע ובהקשרי×? שוני×?: John Battelle מספר מדוע הו×? ל×? רו×?×” ×?×£ ×?חד, בטווח הקרוב, שיהיה מוכל לשל×? ביליון דולר עבור YouTube. ×”×?קשן ×”×?מיתי נמצ×? דווק×? ב-Comments בסוף הפוסט >> לנבחר מייסד ומנכ”ל Chad Hurley ,YouTube דוחה ×?ת השמועות ומודיע שה×? מעונייני×? שהשרות יש×?ר עצמ×?×™, על הדרך הו×? ×’×? עוקץ ×?ת Microsoft ו-Google >> לנבחר לפני כשבועיי×? נתבעה YouTube בעידוד משתמשי×? בדרישה להוריד סרטוני×? המוגני×? בזכויות יוצרי×?. לתוצ×?ות התביעה יהיו השלכות רבות על התחו×? >> לנבחר וב×?ותו נוש×?, ×¢×? תוכן המיוצר ×¢”×™ המשתמשי×? ×?ין כל בעיה ×?בל ×¢×? תוכן המוגן בזכויות יוצרי×? העניין קצת יותר בעייתי. ×?יך תתמודד YouTube ×?×? כל התוכן ייוצר רק ×¢”×™ המשתמשי×?? >> לנבחר Jason Dowdell נותן כמה טיפי×? לחבר’×” מ-Google ×?יך להביס ×?ת YouTube >> לנבחר נמשיך ×¢×? Google, ×”-New York Times פירס×? כתבה המנסה לנתח ×?ת הדבר הב×?: ”When Google introduced its mapping service last year, it did something that made its competitors look antiquated. Users could click on a map and drag it to see an adjacent area, a much faster approach than those offered by rival mapping services.” ”Do Internet users prefer services that are consistent and predictable, like those offered by Yahoo, or are they more interested in Google’s wow factor? These two approaches define a pivotal front in the battle for online loyalty between the major players in the Internet search business.“ מ×?מר מ×?וד מעניין >> לנבחר ×”×?×? הצלקות ×?ותן ×?נו סוחבי×? מהבועה הקודמת יכולות לעזור לנו היו×? ×?ו להזיק? “It’s a challenge that we have to face. We cannot forget the lessons from that last bubble. But we cannot fight the last war either. As much as things look similar to the last time, they are not identical. This will play out differently. I am not sure how differently but I know that it won’t be the same.â€? AVC מנסה לענות על ש×?לה זו >> לנבחר פוסט מ-ReadWriteWeb המנסה להבין ×?יך FOX יהפכו ×?ת MySpace למכונת מזומני×? >> לנבחר נסיי×? בפוסט הומוריסטי וציני המסביר ×?יך ×?פשר להשיג ×–×™**ן רק ×¢”×™ שימוש בשירותי Google, ענק !!! (×?שמח לשמוע ×?×? מישהו ניסה) >> לנבחר שתף ותהנה:These icons link to social bookmarking sites where readers can share and discover new web pages. […]

  26. […] For the person who arrived here via a google query of “men who want to marry me”, sorry, can’t help. I applaud your optimism. Go and read Damien Mulley’s magnus opus and adapt according to your needs. I can’t help. I’ve enough trouble of my own. […]

  27. ////sexor// says:

    […] paper toysinternet ‘96myspace reduxmycrazyhobby.comknife sharpening trickshow to use google to get laid […]

  28. Mark says:

    Great presentation on how to use Google features….and how to get the ladies. Kudos to page creator.

  29. hahah, very funny. Never read a product review that was so funny! lol.

  30. […] A cynical guide on how to use Google and all their services and applications to get a girl and make the date a success so you can get more | digg story […]

  31. Micheál says:

    Anyone would think you’re on the Google payroll. Great piece!

  32. Ulavi says:

    Fuck!… this is so fuking funny!

  33. […] On this Jewish version of Valentine’s Day, the How to use Google to get a girl and get laid post has been translated into Hebrew and published in the tech section of nrg Maariv. Here it is updated and in Hebrew. I’m quite honoured that it has now been translated. It probably reads best in the original Klingon though. […]

  34. […] Just in case there aren’t enough examples that google (and the internet) is taking over the world (and social interactions): How to use Google to get a girl and get laid Tags: Google, world domination, Tag Index      « California Dreamin’ | Home | […]

  35. Roxy Harte says:

    So, if Google, Girls, and Laid will get people to your website, does that hold true of Google, Men, and Laid as well?

  36. […] O post é mais uma constatação de como o Google e sexo são extremamente populares. Intitulado de “Como usar o Google para conquistar uma garota e transar com elaâ€? (tradução literal de How to use Google to get a girl and get laid), o texto destaca ferramentas disponíveis do Google que podem ser usadas em poderosas estratégias de conquista do sexo oposto (apesar de direcionado à conquista das mulheres, tenho certeza que as técnicas podem ser adaptadas para outras opções sexuais e sexo). […]

  37. Peter says:

    Funny thing.

    Its a personal form of SEO. But I guess it is a strong technic

  38. […] I’m nagged by this “55″ ways, though, as I’m sure there must be more than 55 ways to make Google your own personal Jesus. Browse the fun list and you’ll realize it still has nothing like Damien Mulley’s “How to use Google to get a girl and get laid.” But for something optionally free, you just gotta give Lenssen some hat tip. […]

  39. […] Update and self promotion. Check out the post: “How to use Google to get laid.” apeshit barbies blogs granny ireland irish irishblogs twink […]

  40. […] REMEMBER KIDS: BOOZE AND WATER DONT MIX. (This mixture just makes for shitty tasting drinks) So ya, I will be out of my mind this weekend, or atleast for a night or two and I dont think there will be any posts. That is unless I do the internet equivalent of drunk dialing, and drunk email and blogging, which knowing me is pretty much a given. But with that said, no ‘quality posts’ this weekend. On Monday though you get your usual random thoughts, and I have a post in progress, its not all that much of quality but its something that I have to do for myself, and I think its far longer than Op Athena’s, post the other day, if thats possible. So prepared to be bored. For now I leave you with all things drunk, and well Im sure I will find more in the future. All of the following links are thanks to of Bank Locator Man Crashes Car Into Bedroom, Then Opens A Beer? (my hero, not really) Buzz Aldrin Admits He Saw UFO (I knew he was drunk) The Perfect Bacon Martini (see bacon does go on everything) 40 Rock Solid Reasons to Get Drunk Tonight (reason one is good enough for me) Censor Black Bar Sun Glasses (some girls (and guys) need these to cover their entire face) Anti-Drunk Dial Phone (what will they think of next) Dear Alcohol (we all have been there before) and two not drunk related links just for kicks Top 8 reasons why you are still a fat ass (cause you are) How to get a Girl and get Laid Using Google (there is hope for you after all) […]

  41. […] Google Base (TechCrunch profiles here) allows users to enter personal profiles highly targeted towards dating (fields include gender, marital status, sexual orientation, etc.). Other features include labels (tags), a short description, location mapping, and an anonymous email to be reached at. So far, the personals section has been primarily used as a personals aggregator for Hot or Not and, a consequence of the mass upload feature. Also, for a bit of humor, check out this post by Damien Mulley on how to use Google to get laid. […]

  42. EvilTeddy says:

    Now you need to write the “prequel” article for those people who would actually follow this guide:

    How to use Google to move out of your Mom’s basement.

  43. […] I just stumbled upon an interesting/funny/scary piece by Damien Mulley entitles, ‘How to Use Google to Get a Girl and Get Laid‘. In it, Damien describes all types of different ways you can use Google’s various services to meet women. Such as buying .com and using Adwords to bid on therms such as ‘Mr. Right’. Or using Google Base to search the personals for ‘desperate women’. Only as a last resort, of course. blogging GoogleBookmark to: […]

  44. Hello World.
    Are you actually advertising for google?
    Get a life!

  45. Gene says:

    Thanks! I used your techniques and now I have three girlfriends and not enough time to keep them satisfied! Thanks a million!

  46. Dude, this is wonderful. Didn’t laugh that loud at this time of the night too often 😉

    Now, if it only WORKED 😉