Burbank, Sunday 26th March 2006
Hollywood insiders today confirmed previous rumours that Hollywood is funding scientific research into finding new genetic diseases and other medical conditions. Like naming new stars after your loved one, Hollywood likes to name diseases and conditions after famous actors and actresses. These new value added namings mean that as well as celebrity endorsements of these conditions such as Michael J. Fox’s support of Parkinsons and Joe Pesci’s support of fucking cunting Tourettes syndrome, Hollywood now wants diseases named after celebrities. “This all started when Lou Gherig conveniently got a disease that was fairly unknown and so in a coup for his PR team, they had the disease renamed. ” said Arnold Zonoplast a disease facilitating agent in North Hollywood.
Zonoplast continued “Nowadays though thanks to the Internet and greater information sharing with scientists, the new diseases they discover are becoming wildly known before we can come in and ‘namerize’ them. To combat these we have started to sponsor research labs.” In a unqiue deal some research facilities are now even taking percentages of upcoming films, hoping for a windfall that will ensure a speedier discovery of a biological abnormality. In one recent deal signing a famous action star with political aspirations was quoted as saying “Fuck your star on some street where someone walks over you, I want a legacy where sick people will always be thinking of me.”
It is thought that Courtney Love’s agent are anxiously looking forward to the discovery of a new venerial disease while Tom Cruise’s people are awaiting confirmation of a neurotic condition that cannot be treated using psychology.
In other news Piaras Kelly unearths evidence that bloggers have human traits akin to humans. Indeed they might even be like journalists in that they embellish facts.