“You can take the spoons but we’re keeping the knives and forks”

No, not a really bitchy divorce or couple splitting thing but something I heard and witnessed going through Dublin Airport this evening on the way back from a fantastic Digital Rights Ireland launch. In fairness the dumbass woman thought she could bring a 20pc cutlery set on to the plane.

Airport security in Dublin is to be blunt FUCKING STUPID. They make you take off belts, shoes, jackets, watches and dump everything from your pockets and fuck them all into one tray. Yes, stinking shoes put next to your suit jacket and in their somewhere is your rolex and mobile. Then you walk through and wait 5 mins for your shoes to arrive at the other side. Then the little hitlers bitch at you for not moving away. “Move along please you’re causing congestion”. Sorry, can I get my fucking shoes and tie my laces, grab my watch from the tray in the middle of the scrum and pour my loose change back into my hand? Dickheads.

Bruce Schneier defines this as “security theater”, it is ineffectual and designed to make us feel safer without being safer. I don’t feel safer that some pignoramus (woot, my new word) gets his thrills from smelling reeking feet and fantasising about putting people into cattle trains.

12 Responses to ““You can take the spoons but we’re keeping the knives and forks””

  1. frankp says:

    so glad I’m not the only one… that stuff really annoys me.
    I had my swiss army knife in my handluggage one time without thinking. I had successfully ‘smuggled’ it one way but on the return it was ‘discovered’ and a big fuss was made.

    The security guy held it over a bin full of knives saying “I’m taking this and putting it in this bin ok?”

    me:’How do I get it back?’

    security:’You don’t.’

    me:’then I’d rather hang on to it myself thanks.’

    security:’You can’t, I’m putting it in the bin now, is that ok?’

    me:’no, it’s not ok… how would I get it back?’

    This went on for quite a while before they allowed me to break all the rules by going back out of the security gate to the check in and check my bag in to the hold.

    Dunnoe what the story is, but they must only be allowed take stuff with your permission or something…

  2. Mark says:

    I was coming back via Frankfurt a few months ago and had to do all that twice before I even got to my gate, and then once again to catch my connection to Cork from Dublin, and that method of security is still so porous as to be laughable.

    If people can swallow balloons full of drugs they can do the same thing with something flammable or explosive. One laxative and a long haul flight later, you’ve got carnage.

  3. Sinéad says:

    Great, I’m flying to London ridiculously early in the morning (and returning the same day) so I can look forward to this nonsense tomorrow.

  4. bernard says:

    For 3 months my Opinle penknife travelled approx. 6 times through Dublin Airport at the bottom of my bag.

    Not once did Dublin Airport Security Staff find it there.

    Needless to say, it was a complete mistake on my behalf, and once it was brough to my attention, I removed it.

    Nonetheless, Dublin Airport Security is lax in its daily security checks.

    The endless removal of shoes is for the effect of security. A soap-opera of security.

    I felt safer when they were not doing their jobs.

    On Sunday I flew back through Geneve airport with a fondue set in my hand-luggage. I notified the security people that I had a fondue set in my baggage, showed it to them, and after consultation, they allowed it through.

    I honestly felt safe with those people.


  5. bernard says:


    I would either:

    1) wear a pair of sandles so you can get through quickly, or
    2) wear a HUGE pair of mountain boots and remove them SLOWLY and put them on even SLOWER *just* to piss them off.

    If enough people complain, they *might* get the idea.

    This is of course due to the security staff NOT doing their jobs correctly. A recent Irish Times article explains:


    “A replica bomb concealed in luggage went unnoticed. In two other cases knives were concealed in one official’s shoe and in the under-garments of another person carrying out the audit.”

  6. Sinéad says:

    Bernard, I would fully support such a go slow if I didn’t have just 1 hour and 15 minutes to get to central London, find an office and watch a film there.

    Sandals would be great – but not with the kind of rain we’re having at the moment…

  7. that girl says:

    I went through all this palaver going to Cork last week! For feck’s sake, it took longer to get from check in to the gate than it did from Dublin to Cork on the plane with all the messing about..

  8. winds says:

    Loathe security at Dublin Airport. But I remember when they used to scan your bags as you walked in the front door of the terminal and it’s not that long ago.

    bernard, speaking as someone who flies a bit – I don’t think security staff would care so much if anyone went down option 2 – but as a passenger in the queue behind, I would, despite my efforts to shrug things off, be ripping. And I would be ripping at you, not security. Security have a job to do, however little faith you might have in them. But you know in advance that this is necessary, and deliberately slowing things up has far more of an impact on your fellow travellers than it does on the attitude of the screening agents who don’t get to make the policy.

  9. Sinéad says:

    It was horrific yesterday. I queued from 5.55 to 6.45 (when my flight was due to take off) and I would have missed it only for they held it for a bit. It was so stressful as I needed to be in Piccadily for a film screening at 9.30. If I’d missed the film, there would have been no point in me doing the scheduled cast interviews later that day, so I was blessed.

    Do they ever make exceptions for people flying business class? I wondered if there was some hierarchy as If flew BC yesterday and wondered why they didn’t take off without me. I got the the gate nearly 10 minutes after take off time.

    Bring on the new terminal I say.

  10. Markham says:

    What I love is the consistency of it all. One week ago I had to strip off boots/watch/belt and then get frisked. On Friday the woman ahead of me has to take off her painfully small heels to go through but this time my big leather boots, (I could comfortably fit a GRENADE in each of these things) are deemed unremarkable. Laptop out of bag. Laptop left in bag. Hat off. Hat on.

    I’ve gotten into the habit of putting EVERYTHING in my pockets these days before I get to the metal detector, so that it all goes through in the jacket.

    I might just get in the habit of stripping off entirely down to my undies as a mark of protest. But I’ll have to invest in a pair of speedos. Wavy boxers might leave a shred of doubt, and as erratic as they tend to be in the airport, I’d probably have to whip the boxers off, tie them up in my belt and stick them in my boots.

  11. Greg says:

    Well it is airport security week again…. What I find highly amusing is the fact that security will remove all sorts of cutting implements for your person, you then board a flight and are handed gleaming stainless steel knifes, complete with a lovely sharp serrated egde, and forks to tackle aircraft meals. An Arabian based airline does this regularly… mmm rather sinister..

  12. Paul says:

    Previous experiences
    Security…Empty your pockets please
    Passenger…All of them?
    Security(being sarcastic)…No just pick any two.

    Security loading x ray machine and issuing instructions to passenger queue. Empty pockets, take off belts, shoes etc.(signs everywhere with graphical instructions of what to do)
    Next passenger stands there with all items on with blank stare.(this happens all day every day)

    Security..Sorry sir penknifes are not allowed
    Passenger… But I’ve had it for years.
    Ah well thats ok then,as long as your sure.(as if)

    Every scissors was a gift from a dying relative
    Security..If it is that important to you why not go back out and post it home
    Passenger..What and waste what time I could have in the duty free?

    Passenger..But its obvious its a kids gun
    Security…We know that too, but at 37000ft with a cloth over it I might not be as sure.
    Passenger…This is ridiculous.

    Passenger..Can I go back out for a smoke
    Security..Ok Sir
    Passenger on return(this happens everytime)..I was in already
    Security..Yes sir but you must be searched again
    Passenger..This is stupid
    Security…It is feasible that you could have met anyone outside the secure area and we cannot take any chances that you may have brought knowingly or unawares something back in to the secure area.

    It is the likes of these petty arguments that cause the delays at security, not the staff.